If you have a brusque communication style, you can have the best intentions for a conversation and still wind up upsetting your colleagues. Perhaps you believe you're communicating clearly and calmly. . .yet you've noticed that your colleagues experience the conversations differently. If this describes you, here are some tactics by which you can smooth ruffled feathers and eliminate friction.
Name Your Communications Style in the Moment
You are extremely busy throughout the day, and sometimes work just needs to get done. Often there's no time to make a communications plan to manage individual needs. In this scenario, leaders often trip up and say something another colleague experiences as hurtful. Everyone can come to a conversation with a preconceived notion of how it will go: your teammates may be anticipating brusqueness and criticism. One quick means to avoid this tripwire is to name what’s happening in the moment, which may sound like this: “I know I might seem blunt, but I am very passionate about this work. You are doing a great job!"
One leader I worked with was perceived as someone who only looked for others' mistakes. While spotting errors was an essential part of my client's job, his approach left his group unmotivated and unsure because of his brusque communication style. My client mitigated this pain point by recognizing publicly when he was being blunt. Each time he made this admission, my client and his department were able to lighten up. Everyone knew he was only looking out for the department.
You must learn to flex your communications style. Often, I get push-back on this; leaders believe their teams must learn to flex to them. While this approach may get the work accomplished, if your teams are continually bending to your will, they will quickly become unmotivated and unhappy. You as a leader must begin to understand what motivates each of your employees. Knowing your employees on this level takes time and careful attention. Yet learning how to communicate in a way that your teammates will hear you is time well spent.
There are frameworks you can utilize to build relationships with your teams as you flex your communication style. One leader I worked with became closer with her teammates through the simple act of giving more compliments. My client complained that her manager never complimented her; yet on her 360, consistent feedback was that my client didn't praise her direct reports, either. We worked on planning how she would authentically deliver a "job well done" to her direct reports. Being aware of the problem helped my client bridge the gap; she softened her communication style, and as revealed through subsequent reviews, her teammates liked her more.
Investigate What Other Leaders and Peers Are Doing
While it's essential to develop your authentic style, look elsewhere for what's working in your company culture. Research and watch your peers, then try some of their approaches.
One leader I coached was perceived as too gruff in his delivery. His team was afraid that if they shared with him, they would be cut off—and so they didn't share. From watching his peers, my client learned to slow down and listen more, strategically deploying questions like "What do you think we should do?" and "What might be another option?" This small communication style change yielded an uptick in team motivation and his perception among colleagues.
Ask for In-the-Moment Feedback
To learn to flex your style, ask for in-the-moment feedback from a trusted advisor. In many cases, you may not realize that your conversations with teammates are having a negative impact. Yet if this is happening, plan and think through who can give you the most actionable feedback—not simply, "Well, that didn't go very well." After you get the input, the responsibility is back on you. Using that feedback, review and reassess where you could have done better. Ask yourself: when did the conversation begin to go awry? Trust your gut.
Part of developing as a manager is learning how to communicate clearly and kindly with your teams. If this is difficult for you, know that it's possible to be flexible and rewire communication patterns that aren't moving you forward. At the end of the day, clear communications is the best for your bottom line.